I actually gained a pound or so. Although if the waterworks just before I left are an indication, I'm probably in the dreaded PMS. But it has just steeled my reserve. Cassie may be gone, I may have no one in my family to encourage me, but I have my TOPS chapter and I'm going to lose weight. I always lose weight between relationships and this will be no different. . .except that I am not going to let myself get back into a relationship that fails to sustain me emotionally and physically so that I turn to food for fulfillment.
That's all for now. Really tired.
Showing posts with label weight-gain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight-gain. Show all posts
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Friday, October 06, 2006
Gained a Pound
But it's Jenni's fault. I was going to skip dinner, since I had a sandwich at 2p, but when I came home she had these huge baked potatoes ready to eat with shredded chicken, monterey jack cheese, sour cream . . .mmmmmmmmm. ::SIGH::
The TOPS meeting was awesome. It was the first time Michelle heard about Mike and Kathleen moving out, so she had to have the details. I have tried to be fuzzy on the details. She was immediately scandalized that Mike and Kathleen might be having an affair. I hastened to assure her that was not the reason they were sent away. That it was because I was being ignored. We talk quite a bit while waiting for the meeting to start. At one point I told her how I would go in and tell Mike I was tired, I was going to bed. . .and that he said he could never figure out how that was an invitation to join me. She was speechless. She could not believe that an intelligent man didn't recognize a come on like that. Which made me feel better. I kept thinking I was being unreasonable.
After the meeting Pam gave me her usual hug. Then she grabbed me again and held me tight and told me she loved me and she was so glad I was back and how much she needed me. ::sniffle:: I just need to get over whatever dysfunction *I* have that keeps me trying to make unworkable relationships succeed. I am surrounded by people who have shown their love and support for me in the past few weeks and I've wasted five years trying to get Mike to love me.
Going to try using this blog as a food journal/exercise journal. See next entry.
The TOPS meeting was awesome. It was the first time Michelle heard about Mike and Kathleen moving out, so she had to have the details. I have tried to be fuzzy on the details. She was immediately scandalized that Mike and Kathleen might be having an affair. I hastened to assure her that was not the reason they were sent away. That it was because I was being ignored. We talk quite a bit while waiting for the meeting to start. At one point I told her how I would go in and tell Mike I was tired, I was going to bed. . .and that he said he could never figure out how that was an invitation to join me. She was speechless. She could not believe that an intelligent man didn't recognize a come on like that. Which made me feel better. I kept thinking I was being unreasonable.
After the meeting Pam gave me her usual hug. Then she grabbed me again and held me tight and told me she loved me and she was so glad I was back and how much she needed me. ::sniffle:: I just need to get over whatever dysfunction *I* have that keeps me trying to make unworkable relationships succeed. I am surrounded by people who have shown their love and support for me in the past few weeks and I've wasted five years trying to get Mike to love me.
Going to try using this blog as a food journal/exercise journal. See next entry.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Moving All My Health Related Posts From My Hidden Personal Blog
Yeah, so much of what happens to me affects my health, I thought I should include some of that here so that maybe some day I can look back and say OH, NOW I UNDERSTAND.
Perking up from the husband and his gf moving out this past weekend. Thought for a brief time that I was relapsing into fibro. Between the cubicle walls we moved in from the old office and all the boxes they openned to sort from the last place in Denver (which was a hell hole . . don't get me started about the Danes and their filth.), I have had some muscular pain and a serious sinus infection.
But that is clearing up. Also had a sort of breakthrough the other morning when I was chatting with an old lover. He always tells me about all the sex he is having and sends me pics of the women he is doing. I'm not one, because he has a "no germ" policy and I have herpes (thanks all you scum who are positive and don't bother taking care). Every time he does this I've sunk into a depression. A year since I contracted herpes and, even though the husband is positive he doesn't want to risk having an "outbreak" if he touches me, I have only had a couple of brief, unsatisfying encounters with the now gone husband.
This have been very traumatic for me. First, because I worked SO hard to get over the rape and abuse of my childhood and first marriage. In the mid-80s I could not even bear to stand next to a man without shaking and I once fainted when I was kneeling between two men in the Temple. But I went through therapy and did a lot of dream and vision work to overcome this aversion. Once I was able participate enthusiastically in sex, I found it was a good therapy for depression. I oftened joked that I self-medicated for depression with caffeine and sex.
Of course, no sex during the last year means that the depression and self-loathing of the last year as I came to grip with being "diseased" and the pain and depression of suffering from chronic pain had the added strain of being undesirable and getting no hits of "oxytocin". To say nothing of the RAGE that the person I should most be able to count on refusing to do more than occassionally agree to talk about my needs, IF I staged a crisis.
The need to BEG for attention was so humiliating . . .I got so depressed and ended up totally absorbed in World of Warcraft. Which was totally sedentary and kept me closed up inside all the time on top of everything else.
Anyway, back to the breakthrough. I've decided to just accept the end of my sexuality. It still causes me to choke up a bit and get tears in the back of my eyes. But I have to be realistic. I prefer men and men are nothing but a pain in the ass. So I started my new path to sexless living by asking my former lover not to send me pictures or tell me about his sex life. I was very nice, I took the blame for it and asked him, as my friend, not to make it more difficult on me. He replied that he would be happy to do that.
Whew. Now, to find other outlets for the sexual energy. In the past when I have been hungry for touch I have eaten food. (In fact, I've been doing some thinking and realized that weight gain often follows "settling" into new relationship--ie, when the sex goes away, I eat more. Like to see one of the weight loss support groups address THIS. LOL I can't be the only one.) I am going to try to increase my exercise, although I know from experience that increased exercise means increased body awareness and increased sex drive.
Not sure what I will do, but I will figure it out.
Perking up from the husband and his gf moving out this past weekend. Thought for a brief time that I was relapsing into fibro. Between the cubicle walls we moved in from the old office and all the boxes they openned to sort from the last place in Denver (which was a hell hole . . don't get me started about the Danes and their filth.), I have had some muscular pain and a serious sinus infection.
But that is clearing up. Also had a sort of breakthrough the other morning when I was chatting with an old lover. He always tells me about all the sex he is having and sends me pics of the women he is doing. I'm not one, because he has a "no germ" policy and I have herpes (thanks all you scum who are positive and don't bother taking care). Every time he does this I've sunk into a depression. A year since I contracted herpes and, even though the husband is positive he doesn't want to risk having an "outbreak" if he touches me, I have only had a couple of brief, unsatisfying encounters with the now gone husband.
This have been very traumatic for me. First, because I worked SO hard to get over the rape and abuse of my childhood and first marriage. In the mid-80s I could not even bear to stand next to a man without shaking and I once fainted when I was kneeling between two men in the Temple. But I went through therapy and did a lot of dream and vision work to overcome this aversion. Once I was able participate enthusiastically in sex, I found it was a good therapy for depression. I oftened joked that I self-medicated for depression with caffeine and sex.
Of course, no sex during the last year means that the depression and self-loathing of the last year as I came to grip with being "diseased" and the pain and depression of suffering from chronic pain had the added strain of being undesirable and getting no hits of "oxytocin". To say nothing of the RAGE that the person I should most be able to count on refusing to do more than occassionally agree to talk about my needs, IF I staged a crisis.
The need to BEG for attention was so humiliating . . .I got so depressed and ended up totally absorbed in World of Warcraft. Which was totally sedentary and kept me closed up inside all the time on top of everything else.
Anyway, back to the breakthrough. I've decided to just accept the end of my sexuality. It still causes me to choke up a bit and get tears in the back of my eyes. But I have to be realistic. I prefer men and men are nothing but a pain in the ass. So I started my new path to sexless living by asking my former lover not to send me pictures or tell me about his sex life. I was very nice, I took the blame for it and asked him, as my friend, not to make it more difficult on me. He replied that he would be happy to do that.
Whew. Now, to find other outlets for the sexual energy. In the past when I have been hungry for touch I have eaten food. (In fact, I've been doing some thinking and realized that weight gain often follows "settling" into new relationship--ie, when the sex goes away, I eat more. Like to see one of the weight loss support groups address THIS. LOL I can't be the only one.) I am going to try to increase my exercise, although I know from experience that increased exercise means increased body awareness and increased sex drive.
Not sure what I will do, but I will figure it out.
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