Yeah, so much of what happens to me affects my health, I thought I should include some of that here so that maybe some day I can look back and say OH, NOW I UNDERSTAND.
Perking up from the husband and his gf moving out this past weekend. Thought for a brief time that I was relapsing into fibro. Between the cubicle walls we moved in from the old office and all the boxes they openned to sort from the last place in Denver (which was a hell hole . . don't get me started about the Danes and their filth.), I have had some muscular pain and a serious sinus infection.
But that is clearing up. Also had a sort of breakthrough the other morning when I was chatting with an old lover. He always tells me about all the sex he is having and sends me pics of the women he is doing. I'm not one, because he has a "no germ" policy and I have herpes (thanks all you scum who are positive and don't bother taking care). Every time he does this I've sunk into a depression. A year since I contracted herpes and, even though the husband is positive he doesn't want to risk having an "outbreak" if he touches me, I have only had a couple of brief, unsatisfying encounters with the now gone husband.
This have been very traumatic for me. First, because I worked SO hard to get over the rape and abuse of my childhood and first marriage. In the mid-80s I could not even bear to stand next to a man without shaking and I once fainted when I was kneeling between two men in the Temple. But I went through therapy and did a lot of dream and vision work to overcome this aversion. Once I was able participate enthusiastically in sex, I found it was a good therapy for depression. I oftened joked that I self-medicated for depression with caffeine and sex.
Of course, no sex during the last year means that the depression and self-loathing of the last year as I came to grip with being "diseased" and the pain and depression of suffering from chronic pain had the added strain of being undesirable and getting no hits of "oxytocin". To say nothing of the RAGE that the person I should most be able to count on refusing to do more than occassionally agree to talk about my needs, IF I staged a crisis.
The need to BEG for attention was so humiliating . . .I got so depressed and ended up totally absorbed in World of Warcraft. Which was totally sedentary and kept me closed up inside all the time on top of everything else.
Anyway, back to the breakthrough. I've decided to just accept the end of my sexuality. It still causes me to choke up a bit and get tears in the back of my eyes. But I have to be realistic. I prefer men and men are nothing but a pain in the ass. So I started my new path to sexless living by asking my former lover not to send me pictures or tell me about his sex life. I was very nice, I took the blame for it and asked him, as my friend, not to make it more difficult on me. He replied that he would be happy to do that.
Whew. Now, to find other outlets for the sexual energy. In the past when I have been hungry for touch I have eaten food. (In fact, I've been doing some thinking and realized that weight gain often follows "settling" into new relationship--ie, when the sex goes away, I eat more. Like to see one of the weight loss support groups address THIS. LOL I can't be the only one.) I am going to try to increase my exercise, although I know from experience that increased exercise means increased body awareness and increased sex drive.
Not sure what I will do, but I will figure it out.
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